- 27/05/2019
- Category: Commentaries
Their love story is beautiful, and oh-so-modern: the princess swiped right on the right prince. They met for a coffee, sparks fly, and now, they walk down the aisle for what might be the most Instagrammable wedding for the century. The advent of modern technology had made these kind of love stories possible. Finding our one true love is now as easy as putting your Facebook profile up on Tinder, OKCupid, or other forms of online dating apps. A more convenient form of the courtship process just right on our fingertips. This disruption of technology in our usual process of finding the “one” certainly changed the (heterosexual) relationship dynamics.
In this commentary, Center for Digital Society (CfDS) explores the dynamics of gender power relations in the online environment—especially in the face of online harassment. It questions whether the advent of online dating has put more power to women in choosing their potential match. It argues that the shift of gender-power relations enabled by the advent of dating apps, albeit putting more control for women to select their potential partner, had the possibility to create a hostile environment for women due to the rife online harassment experienced upon rejection.
Many scholars had theorized that the traditional courtship process involved in heterosexual relationship follow the logics of supply and demand, much like an economic exchange.[1] The women sex is considered to be a “currency” in exchange for men’s social resources—such as wealth and status—and thus the sexual appeal or the appearances of women are considered to mirror her worth. Another important point is that using this logic, any rejection of men’s sexual advances by women might threaten one’s sense of masculinity, as the traditional gender roles dictate men to be the “dominant” party in the relationship and take control of the negotiations in the heterosexual relationship.[2]
In this regard, the advent of online dating apps has certainly shifted the gender power dynamics involved in the traditional courtship process. While women generally are seen as the more passive recipients of men’s advances, dating apps had put a considerable control over women to search and selectively respond to potential date. This commentary sees, however, that this empowerment had been met with negative reaction.
Online rejection often results in verbal abuse targeting women’s body—as demonstrated by the messages excerpt publicly available in the Instagram account @byefelipe and @tindernightmares. Women who rejected men’s online advances—albeit politely—had been shot with overly aggressive and crude messages. In many of the excerpt taken from these exchanges by Thompson, men often retort to body shaming narrative when they are met with rejection. When one of the subjects of the excerpt politely rejected an online advance with “I’m not interested. Best of luck!”, the man responded with “Your(‘e) fat though. You should be desperate”.[3] When another subject ignored the text, the other party reacted by saying “You know you’re not attractive enough to not respond right?”.[4]
This retortion to body shaming narratives is argued to be a disciplinary effort to put women “back in her place”, in a subordinate position to the notion of men and masculinity.[5] It follows the logic of traditional courtship process—where women bodies are seen as the ultimate “currency” in the “marketplace”. Shaming women for having less-than-desirable bodies (as slender is the norm for female attractiveness) is thus seen as a way to say that a woman’s currency is “worthless”. It is also seen as an effort to gain the upper hand in the negotiation of a heterosexual relationship—a notion that follows the very narrow sense of masculinity. An aggressive response towards online rejection is therefore, a display of toxic masculinity in the online environment.[6]
Against this context, it is then argued that the online dating experience can have the potential to be a hostile environment for women due to the potential of receiving an overly aggressive reaction upon rejection. Although outside of the scope of this article, other forms of online harassment experienced by women are not only confined by the aggressive, body-shaming reaction to rejection: unsolicited nudity, oversexualized messages, and the blatant objectification of women’s bodies are also prevalent in the online dating experience.[7]
Although “not all men” engage in this type of behavior, this occurred often enough for women to create an online Instagram platform with massive followings (@byefelipe and @tindernightmares) to share their experiences. Furthermore, this phenomenon is particularly interesting because it shows the inherent contradiction related to online dating: while it puts women in a position of unprecedented control over who they want to interact and meet with, the aggressive response to rejection offer a sobering reality that online dating can still be a hostile environment for women
Editor: Anaq Duanaiko
Read another article written by Arumdriya Murwani
[1] Thompson, L. (2018) ‘‘I can be your Tinder nightmare’’: Harassment and misogyny in the online sexual marketplace. Feminism & Psychology, Vol. 28(1) 69–89.
[2] Hess, A., Flores, C., (2018) Simply more than swiping left: A critical analysis of toxic masculine performances on Tinder Nightmares. New Media & Society, Vol. 20(3) 1085– 1102.
[3] Thompson, L. (2018) ‘‘I can be your Tinder nightmare’’: Harassment and misogyny in the online sexual marketplace. Feminism & Psychology, Vol. 28(1) 69–89.
[4] Ibid.,
[5] Hess, A., Flores, C., (2018) Simply more than swiping left: A critical analysis of toxic masculine performances on Tinder Nightmares. New Media & Society, Vol. 20(3) 1085– 1102., Thompson, L. (2018) ‘‘I can be your Tinder nightmare’’: Harassment and misogyny in the online sexual marketplace. Feminism & Psychology, Vol. 28(1) 69–89.
[6] Hess, A., Flores, C., (2018) Simply more than swiping left: A critical analysis of toxic masculine performances on Tinder Nightmares. New Media & Society, Vol. 20(3) 1085– 1102.
[7] Thompson, L. (2018) ‘‘I can be your Tinder nightmare’’: Harassment and misogyny in the online sexual marketplace. Feminism & Psychology, Vol. 28(1) 69–89.
